Shortly after I dropped you off at school this morning, on this very special day, your 10th birthday, I listened to the song, Firework by Katy Perry (Click link to hear song and see lyrics on YouTube).  As I was listening to the words, I began to cry (yes, while driving down the road). So I did what you might expect me to do…I played it over and over again.  After about the 5th play, I fought the urge to return to your school and snatch you from class so I could hold you in my arms.  You see, at this moment, I realized that this song was my song to you.  Let me explain:

For your 10th birthday I want us to make a promise to each other that no matter what happens in the next 10-15 years, we will remain close and tell each other everything.  This is so important because I can assure you that there will be times in the near future that you are going to think you hate me, and during these times, I am going to want to pull my hair out, as well as yours. It has already started, I know.  So I think, knowing this, it’s important to tell you why and ask you to put this note in your mind’s pocket. Promise to carry it with you everywhere you go so you’ll never question how very special you are.  I don’t want there to ever be a time that you don’t know for certain this one true thing: I think you are amazing.  So really listen when I tell you what i am about to tell you…Are you listening????

When I look at you, I see this little mini person who has the ability to become the person she longs to be as well as do all the tremendous things she wants to do.  Seriously. Anything.  You have been blessed with so much potential, and if you make the choice to put your heart into everything you do, nothing is impossible.  The only person that can hold you back is you.  The confusing part in all of this is that it will seem at times that everyone is against you, including me.  You’ll think (because you have such a sweet, huge heart) that everyone hates you and you really don’t want to try anymore. And oddly enough, at some of these times, while I be there supporting you along the way, I’ll be screaming loud and harsh, as you might would expect your worst enemy to do.  You may think that not even your own mother is on your side, but here’s the scoop…I’m your biggest fan. You see, when I’m pushing you and being strict, it’s just my crazy way of  trying to make you stronger as well as trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes I made (and believe me, I’ve made lots). 

So here’s the deal with mistakes…there’s no way around them…you are going to make them.  But never forget this: no matter how bad you mess up, I’m always going to be there for you.  The tricky thing is to try to understand the reason I get so upset when you do make a mistake…it’s because I blame myself. I just never want anyone or anything to hurt you, so I’m always trying to plan out your next 10 moves in the hopes that by doing so, I will be able to prevent anything bad from happening to you. (Annoying, I know.)

But it’s going to happen, and when it does, I will never judge you or stop loving you because you mess up.  The most important thing is that you find a constructive way to release the negative energy, and more importantly, learn from your mistakes. And though at times you believe I’m the devil, remember I AM 100% ON YOUR SIDE, and while it may seem I’m looking down my nose at you, in reality, I’m looking UP TO YOU.  You are, and will always be, my firework…

“Now go on and show ‘em what you’re worth.”

Love Always,

Mom

I really need to understand why or for what purpose you made the decision to add this 1″x3″ “communication feature”?  Clearly not for the blind.  Most certainly not for the vertically challenged.  Surely not for the hearing impaired (Yes. They too can see the big white light).

So I ask you, Mr. Maytag Man, did you do it for those consumers you deem too stupid to know when to  CLOSE <pause> THE  <pause> DOOR?  Sadly, if this is the case, maybe it’s time to consider adding the following cautionary message to ALL future microwave models:

“If you need this to tell you what to do next, then you should slowly (but very immediately) step away from the microwave, and be sure to keep an eye out for any objects that may be obscuring your path as you seek immediate assistance.”

Alas, Mr. Maytag Man,  If you insist upon insulting the intelligence of your beloved consumers, you could, at a bare minimum, consider adding the word PLEASE before each and every time a microwave unnecessarily reminds them to CLOSE <pause> THE  <pause> DOOR. After all, whats a girl gotta do to get a little respect when she’s checking her food every 30 seconds or so to ensure it hasn’t made the dreaded transformation from cold to edible plastic?

Unbelievable, EMF, ’91

Since I quit my job 4 months ago, I’ve been suffering from what is commonly referred to as writer’s block, or more accurately in my case, a pathetic amount of blog posts.

In a quest to appease my veracious readers (all 10 of you), I concocted a couple of excuses: 1. due to a surge of free time, the ADHD monsters living in my head have taken over my brain and consequently my ability to focus long enough to type an entire sentence; 2. by eliminating the stress associated with the workplace, there are few things that I can accurately label ”shit that pisses me off on a regular basis”, leaving me with virtually nothing to bitch write about.

Fortunately (especially for my restless readers), I had an epiphany today when my daughter decided for the first time in months to use the laptop she received from Santa a little over a year ago.  The moment I saw her with it, I immediately had the urge to write.  So I did what any respectable mother would do, and I snatched it from her as if possessed by the Grinch.  And it was in the midst of this fine parenting moment that I realized why I had not been writing.

At my former job, they gave me a “company” laptop.  While I would be willing to state under oath that it was used for its intended purpose: working from home for free, after the dusk settled and the responsible world was sleeping, it served as a writing pad in my unconsciously assigned writer’s seat (left end of the couch near the fireplace). While I own a PC, since my departure from the company and consequent surrender of the company laptop, I had lost my passion to write. For reasons I’m sure could be explained scientifically, I discovered that I am very methodical when it comes to writing and am only able to do so in the comfort of my living room, laptop in lap.

Which makes me wonder how many hobbies/passions  we let slip into the abyss of “stuff I used to do for fun” because of a small change in routine?  As a runner, I know getting off track can be as miniscule as needing to purchase a new pair of running shoes.  Bad shoes = small injury = two weeks not running = What’s the use? Next thing you know, you’re out of shape and saying things like, ”back when I used to run…” Damn shoes.

So what keeps us moving forward in the pursuit of our passions? Have you recently surrendered a few hobbies and you’re not sure why?  Maybe if we forced ourselves to revisit our lost hobbies/passions and ignored that little voice that asks ”what’s the use?”, we could start doing more things that make us happy.

In the spirit: Lucky Man, The Verve

“Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my levity”

It used to be that I had one social group: family, friends, neighbors, etc. (i.e., “real life friends” or “RLFs”).  But about a year and a half ago, things changed. Enter social media, and so began said division.

When I started to learn about social media, I was bitten.  Almost like Edward busted up in my room (ok, so maybe that was a dream).  Point is, I found out quickly that the RLFs couldn’t give a damn about my new-found passion.  So much that now when I merely utter the words “social media”, they find a way to immediately change the subject. Needless to say, it sucks to be impelled by something that most of the people you have face-to-face interaction with loathe hearing about.

In an effort get the RLFs to refrain from cringing and creating new ways to silence me each time I talk about social media, I decided to clear up some common misconceptions, in the hopes that by understanding a little more, they will hate a little less.

Dear RLFs,

“Social Media” is defined by About.com as: “A type of online media that expedites conversation as opposed to traditional media, which delivers content but doesn’t allow readers/viewers/listeners to participate in the creation or development of the content.”

What it’s Not: 1) “A vocation” (thanks to Mr. Chris Brogan for making this very valid point).  So yeah, it’s not a job and I don’t “do social media”.  I do marketing; 2) ”All Things Twitter”.  Despite what some think, if you’re using Facebook, you too (YES YOU!) are using a form of social media; therefore, you should be glad to know that it’s, 3) Not Going Away!  I’ve heard a lot of the haters say that “social media” is just a fad, and like all fads it will fizzle and die. um, hi.  Did the internet go away?

For those of you who may still be unsure about the relevance of social media, here are a few stats to clear things up:

So I could keep going but let’s face it, if any of my RLFs have read this far, I’m honored.  Also, please understand that there are times that you may want to discuss a subject that is not of particular interest to me; regardless, I promise to listen and put forth my best effort to learn about it because it is important to you.  In the case of social media, please do the same for me because frankly, it’s not going away and neither will my desire to talk about it. (Not to mention, it’s incredibly interesting)

Sincerely,

Your Friend,

Silenced in Social Media

Unfortunately, I’m guessing if Hollywood ever decided to do a modern-day remake of the Lone Ranger Series (and here’s hoping they don’t), he’d be knifing justices instead of righting injustices, and his faithful sidekick, Tonto, would be a politician in disguise.  The grand finale would consist of Tonto stabbing his Kemo Sabe in the back (in slowmo, of course) and riding off into The Hills on a snarling raven jackass (all the while citing his actions as ”necessary for the common good of the masses.”) 

But the most disturbing part would be the fact that most would have no regard for the evil doings of the would-be heroes because they would be focused on the “important” details like, how hot Brad looked in a mask or, how yummy Orlando’s butt looked when he was bent over stabbing Brad.

When did it happen? When did it become hip to cheer for evil over good?  Let’s talk Twilight Saga:  I’ll admit it.  I’ve found (somewhat large quantities of) enjoyment in contemplating which “team” I wanted to be “on”.  While Edward is delicious, Jacob is no ugly dog.  But let’s get real: it used to be that vampires and werewolves were typically depicted as decaying and unattractive characters which were easy to scowl at and root against because, after all, they are evil icons (not to mention, ferocious, filthy and foul creatures that go “Boo!” in the night).  Evil=Bad. Check.

But it’s not just the “Villains are Voluptuous” campaign that I take issue with.  It’s the stalkers/would-be killers too.  Specifically, in the July edition of Psychology Today, an article citing numerous instances (180 flicks; 9+ instances per movie) of stalkers hailed as “endearing” and/or favorable.  Um, HELLO?  6 words: The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. 

So what’s with the trend of characterizing villains as sexy immortals and heroes as defunct?   Maybe it relates to the decline of behavior in modern-day leaders and role models.  Let’s see, we’ve got Tiger with his paws all over Cookie’s jars, Clinton leading with his special purpose and of course, we can’t forget OJ, Pete and Mike.

Maybe we’ve grown leery of fighting the “good fight” when there’s no promise that in the end, our efforts aren’t predicated on a hoax.

Believe it all boils down to disappointment. [dis : "to show disrespect for; affront";  appoint: "to assign to a position, an office, or the like"].  As it seems the number of folks appointed to a leadership or role model position and who exhibit disrespectful behavior is on the rise (and the media’s obsession therewith); so are the number of people who find solace in a fantasy land which provides an illusive escape from the harsh truths of the big bad world.  Disappointing isn’t it?

And what if the reality is that by forgetting to celebrate that which is good, we are encouraging rebellion in younger generations, consequently teaching them to stand against traditional morals and authority? I smell an anarchy. 

What say you?

After weeks of brainstorming, and 79 plays of “32 Flavors” by Alana Davis on my iPhone, I’ve finally come to the realization that I have been gauging my self-worth on the outcome of impossible competitions, when I should have been focusing on my ability to improve. 

To elaborate: 

1. I’m not smart I choose to learn: I get nervous around people who have a great deal of knowledge for fear they will think I am stupid. Revelation: Knowledge stems from the decision to learn.  If I want to know more, it’s up to me to make the effort to learn.   

2. I’m not a good mother I choose to be a better mother: I beat myself up when I hear other mothers talk about the things they are doing with their kids.  I find myself comparing their parenting skills to my own, which often leads to feelings of inferiority.  Revelation: A mother is only as great as her desire to care for her children.  My inferiority complex is evidence of this desire, and it’s up to me to cultivate that desire to discover ways in which I can improve as a mother.

3. People don’t like me I choose to like people:  People fascinate me, and as a result, I like all people (even some that most folks can’t stand).  Needless to say, it upsets me when they don’t like me as well.  Revelation: everyone doesn’t share this fascination/likeness of people, and I shouldn’t be offended because they don’t.  It’s up to me to use the energy I spend trying to win over those who aren’t interested, to nurture those who are.

And while there will always be someone who knows more, does more and has more, by focusing on ways in which I can improve, I won’t be tempted to worry if that somehow makes me less of a person. 

Meanwhile, I’ve  decided to leave the pity parade and torch the kick me sign. Cheers to new-found confidence.

My musical inspiration for this project:

 32 Flavors by Alana Davis (Listen to on iLike)

Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you’re going to get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said
Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
‘Til I’d passed and left them alone
And god help you if you are an ugly girl
Course too pretty is also your doom
Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a pheonix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying back
I’m not trying to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t want to live that way
No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you’re starving
And eating all of the words you said

As I look around my once Joneses-infested suburban bubble, I notice small but unattractive changes since the Johnsons took over: plush, neon green plots of Bermuda are now stubbled squares infested with dallis grass and nimblewell; flourishing flowerbeds have been replaced with pine straw; whitewashed concrete has become a canvas for oil and mildew; streets that were once buzzing with accomplishment are now dismal and still; gutters that were slippery with soap are now littered with leaves; and smoky grills and popping tops have been traded in for pizza deliveries and curtain drawn sullenness.

And yes, the Johnsons are harder working and more well-rounded individuals than the Joneses, but has their dedication to defeating the debt caused them to forget why they work so damn hard in the first place?  Maybe the Joneses were money-grubbing, deficit-denying show-offs, but at least they enjoyed life and emanated pride in that which they were so pretentiously able to call home sweet home.

While I realize the need to save more and spend less, I believe it is equally important to grab hold of what’s left and take a little pride where it counts.  Forgo the late night Friday work evenings and Saturday office visits and fill that time taking care of life.  Otherwise, we risk living and breathing to reprimand the recession just so we can die “a little less broke”.  And while many of us don’t have the funds to squander on competing improvements, we can make the time to sweep off the welcome mat. 

Just because we can’t have it all doesn’t mean we should let it all go.

“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.  It is later than you think.” – Horace

I grew up with a single mom who moved a lot, thus I had the delightful experience of attending 6 different schools in my pre-collegiate years.  At first I thought “that new girl” had a nice ring to it, until I started the 4th school at the precarious age of 12.  I don’t know what happens when we hit puberty, but girls learn the ability to tap into an inner evil.  Some even cross over, morphing from sugar and spice to everything bitchy.  

For me, there were countless evenings of sobs met by mom’s stock advice: “Lynn, just remember, <insert sticks and stones bit>, and if you kill them with kindness, they will come around”.  Hence I became a people pleaser and earned an A in “How to be a Chicken Shit”.  

Once I graduated from high school and reality began to set in, I tried transforming into a super bad ass, but quickly discovered that you can’t just wake up one day and decide to go from chicken shit to the queen of comebacks.  (Folks can still smell the chicken shit.) 

Nevertheless, change IS still in order: Out with the martyrdom; in with the well-being.   Which is why I started this series; to formulate a plan to effectively shield negativity once and for all (blah, blah, blah).  In other words, come up with a way to keep me from having to do one of the things I fear most: stand up for myself. (And of course, I concluded that no such magical shield exists. Shocker.) 

As a back up plan, I’ve assembled some lessons learned which hopefully can serve as armor when the bitchiness is rising high:   

• When the world is sucking big time, it’s important to remember that you’re not the only one affected. Pissy people are often byproducts of doom and gloom, and bitchy attitudes should not be taken personally.
• Consistent bitchy attitudes = toxic relationships, so it’s important to avoid these (relatives and longtime friendships are not exempt).
• Words are very powerful, and anyone who thinks differently does not deserve your attention.
• “Get over it” is not a substitute for an apology, and an admission of guilt is not an invitation to take it in the keister.
• Enabling is crippling for all involved, and when this behavior is recognized, all efforts should be made to cease and desist.
• Giving respect and wanting approval from others goes hand-in-hand, and both are necessary evils, depending on the noun.
• Listening more and talking less has 2 benefits – 1) more knowledge gained 2) less negative responses
• Harping on the past and stroking closet-residing skeletons is extremely time-consuming, and while therapeutic, time would be better spent making new, happier memories.
• If we try to become impervious to the effects of harsh criticism, we can only achieve the rank of insensitive exoskeleton.

With the above in mind, I believe it’s vital to make sure we surround ourselves with people who genuinely like us (even if it seems entirely more fun to have hundreds of “friends”).   With these comforting comrades, we can shed our heavy armor and inhale humanity. 

Finally, while I must admit defeat in my attempt to “burn down the kitchen”, believe now I can tolerate a little more heat before running to bury my head in, well…chicken shit.